Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Cola Bears

Polar bears are vicious man-eaters. And they lovably promote Coca Cola during the holiday season. Many have heard that these magnificent spokesanimals are needlessly and heart-wrenchingly drowning in the Artic Ocean because of melted sea ice.

Some groups are selling carbon credits, which means that if you pay them, they will have some tree not cut down in your name. This is a brilliant business model, and I’m in. Anyone who wants some carbon credits, send me a few hundred dollars, and there’s a couple of trees in my landlord’s backyard that I promise to not cut down for you. Then you can guiltlessly leave yout Pontiac idling in the driveway with the A/C on all week.

But still unanswered is the question, what are carbon emissions? Carbon emissions come about whenever people do stuff and when other things happen, including burping, volcanoes, and those charcoal balloon fights that tend to escalate during so many backyard barbecues. This leads to the question, why is this writer bafflingly ambivalent toward Polar bears? Because, the only thing worse than Polar bears are Polar bears with sunburns. They’re even more ornery. If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you the scars.

But what can I do? A lot of people ask me, as they shrug their shoulders, which movement relies on an oxidation-reduction reaction that produces a little carbon dioxide. How can I help? They say with tears in their eyes, which are made mostly of water and sodium and chloride ions in solution with other molecules undoubtedly containing some carbon.

Here are some specific tips to curb your own carbon emissions:

1. Stop breathing. It’s one of the more radical reduction strategies, but thousands of people do it every day. You may also try holding your breath periodically, in private please.

2. Turn your 1971 Chevelle SuperSport into the world’s biggest Chia Pet.

3. If you must drive, drive downhill. Instead of taking the family in the Suburban to Stanley or the Teton Valley for the weekend, how about coasting the SUV down to Death Valley instead?

4. Only patronize salons that use solar-powered tanning beds.

5. Learn to photosynthesize. It’s a process that has to be learned in phases. Start by wearing lots of green, spread your arms out more often and turn toward the south. Drink lots of water. This isn’t for everyone and requires a high level of concentration on the cellular level. An effective alternative for the chlorophyll-challenged is to cover yourself with green algae.

6. If you have any extra carbon running around in the house or backyard, do not let it out into the atmosphere unless it is properly leashed.

7. Support Renewable and Clean Wolf Energy. Ecologists are now harnessing Idaho’s newfound wolf power with great big hamster wheels! By putting one gray wolf on a treadmill hooked up to a turbine, we can generate 1.21 jigawatts of electricity per wolf wheel. We keep the wolves fueled with all-natural cattle and sheep, two of our state’s most nefarious and delicious sources of environmental degradation, thereby throwing the stone around the beaten bird bush only once. This is also exactly enough electricity to send Christopher Lloyd back to the 1980s (before it was too late) in the De Lorean to shoot some commercials to remind you folks to…

8. Stop shaving your legs. I don’t know what it has to do with global warming, but there has to be something to it, the way it’s catching on among the greens. I know that Al Gore doesn’t shave his anymore.

9. Number nine wasn’t that funny but rest assured that it will be recycled.

10. Stop your subscription to this newspaper. Not only do newspapers have to slaughter millions of trees, but the carbon emissions of ink, printing presses, delivery trucks, and chubby sportswriters who ate a couple chili dogs at the game are unjustifiable. Newsprint is also responsible for 80% of fly and spider killings, and 92% of all desperation birthday gift wrapping.