A wolf walks into a bar somewhere in
“Who?” says the wolf.
“The otter,” bartender says. “He’s the one who says you ought to leave.”
“Yeah, but who says I . . . oughta?”
“Yeah, that’s the one, Otter”
“I got that part. But who’s this guy saying I oughta take off?”
“Yeah. You know the otter. Swims in the rivers.”
“Rivers. Yeah. Those damn rivers.”
“You’re right. We ought to dam the river. More irrigation and hydroelectricity.”
“We oughta? Says who?”
“Yeah, I heard we oughta, but who says so?”
There are pros and cons to having wolves in our state. Some of the drawbacks include elk herd depletion, human endangerment, and worst of all, wolves at large impersonating others. Wolves impersonating sheep, wolves impersonating your grandma, wolves impersonating celebrities and politicians on the Tonight Show: not so funny.
But the solutions are relatively simple. By letting the wolves eat just the fugitive genetically inferior ranch elk we can kill two birds with one hand in the bush. And we can always spot the phony grandparents by what big eyes and what big teeth they have, and, face it, even listening to a wolf’s ideas on TV is better than Jay Leno doing another
We know about the minuses, but many fail to recognize the potential benefits of wolves in our community. Remember that in Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox was only capable of winning the city championship basketball game when his werewolf powers were enabled. And we all know that the Boise State Broncos men’s hoops team could have used a little more figurative “chest hair” last season. A healthy breeding population of Canis lupus nearby and a nice full moon quadruples the likeliness of the varsity-level cross-mutant species Canis sapiens. Somebody queue up the Kenny Loggins at the Taco Bell Arena.
Many advances in pharmacology and chemistry have come from efforts to preserve and explore our earth’s assets in rain forests. Natural resources aren’t just valuable because they look pretty. Byproducts and renewable organisms can often be used for scientific, commercial, personal hygiene, and fashion progress, such as in cures for warts or the potent pheromone perfumes that many of us rely on.
Other wolf products are also hot. Sprinkle wolf urine around the perimeter of your yard to keep the neighbor’s lab from leaving you her brown treats on the lawn.
The wilderness souvenir industry is vital to
Better Natural Selections at the Butcher
Don’t we realize that wolves are helping us by weeding out the weakest and most inferior cuts of meat? With the wolf selection process, only the healthiest, most agile, most evasive, and most delicious livestock will survive. I noticed that my Easter lamb chop last year was the tastiest I’ve ever had. Last year also hosted the highest North American wolf population in a century. Coincidence? I think not, and Charles Darwin agrees.