No single job interview is the same as any other, but most human resource professionals look for the same basic compatibilities in choosing among dynamic candidates. The following questions are based on these business skill sets. And the following answers, though you might have to tailor them to your own work experience and personality by using hand gestures, can be given word-for-word at a job interview to assure your hire.
Q: What’s your biggest weakness?
A: Perfectionism. But it’s not the kind of perfectionism that inhibits me and makes me demand that the water cooler be chilled to exactly 42 degrees—which is, by the way, cold enough to refresh but not so cold that it bothers my sensitive teeth. Instead, mine is the kind of perfectionism that makes everything I do at work perfect.
Q: What’s your biggest strength?
A: My greatest strength is that I … Well, no, not that probably. I’d have to say that my greatest strength is… Looking back on my working experience—well, I have so many crucial… Um, let’s see. Yeah, um, I’d have to say my biggest strength is my decisiveness.
Q: Have you ever taken home office supplies that belonged to your employer?
A: No. I don’t steal.
A: Okay, okay—one time I left the office with a pen in my pocket, and little did I know it was made of platinum. It was a complete accident that I took it home. Then I lost it under the fridge. Outta sight, outta mind, you know. But little did I know, my company was very protective of their employees, and cared a lot about their personal lives.
They hired an expert firm to make sure all our phone calls were clear and that we got good rates from the phone company or something like that. One of their home surveillance cameras revealed that under my fridge had accidentally rolled $8,000 worth of ballpoint pens, $8,038 with the added value of the trademark Pewlet Hacker anagrams.
Q: What do you expect from us as your employer?
A: I expect my stapler to be filled to capacity with staples so that I don’t have to bring in any of my personal staples from home.
Q: It says here on your resume that you are a problem solver. Can you tell me of a situation where you solved a problem in the workplace?
A: One time I was starving. My stash of grahams was just crumbs and my quarters for the vending machine were depleted. So I went to the office fridge. There were a few odds and ends, but nothing to satisfy—a veggie hoagie, Mexican in a foam container that said “Devin” on it, some chow mein in a cardboard tub, an egg salad in a Tupperware, some alfalfa sprouts, and a pack of Kraft singles. Suddenly I had a stroke of problem-solving genius and realized that what I had before me were not separate snacks, but components for one big meal. Alone, not much, but together, one heck of a Dagwood Bumstead. I scraped the veggies off the hoagie roll and started stacking—gooey enchilada, sprouts, noodles, processed cheese, a scoop of egg salad, even a piece of fried chicken from the back (I took it off the bones). It was a tower of satisfaction.
Q: We have a culture here. It’s synergistic. It’s innovative. It’s definitely dynamic. It’s transparent and employee-oriented. We’re proud of it. Why do you think you’d fit in with our culture?
A: Because I’m a functionality-optimizing, groundbreaking, deal-closing, drawer-organizing, forward-thinking, ahead-moving, strength-leveraging, coffee-filtering, vertical-marketing, face-mailing, revenue-maximizing, nothing-but-the-best-brands-of-spearmint-gum-chewing, uber-blogging, search-engine-optimized, cost-minimizing, cats crying, babies crying, sky falling down like rolling thunder, charisma oozing all over the place, follow-upping idea hamster. I got lots more adjectives on my resume too.
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