About the Wolves of Yesteryear

[I wrote this last year when it was timely. Now it's all about gay senators in the Idaho Statesman. Reading it so much later sounds stupid, but I do love the animal-walks-into-a-bar formula.]

A wolf walks into a bar somewhere in Idaho. Bartender says, “We already got a hundred of yous guys, and since you came around, all the elk have been makin themselves scarce. Some customers are complainin.”

“Who?” says the wolf.

“The otter,” bartender says. “He’s the one who says you ought to leave.”

“Oughta?”

“Otter.”

“Yeah, but who says I . . . oughta?”

“Yeah, that’s the one, Otter”

“I got that part. But who’s this guy saying I oughta take off?”

“Yeah. You know the otter. Swims in the rivers.”

“Rivers. Yeah. Those damn rivers.”

“You’re right. We ought to dam the river. More irrigation and hydroelectricity.”

“We oughta? Says who?”

“B. Otter”

“Yeah, I heard we oughta, but who says so?”

The Risks

There are pros and cons to having wolves in our state. Some of the drawbacks include elk herd depletion, human endangerment, and worst of all, wolves at large impersonating others. Wolves impersonating sheep, wolves impersonating your grandma, wolves impersonating celebrities and politicians on the Tonight Show: not so funny.

But the solutions are relatively simple. By letting the wolves eat just the fugitive genetically inferior ranch elk we can kill two birds with one hand in the bush. And we can always spot the phony grandparents by what big eyes and what big teeth they have, and, face it, even listening to a wolf’s ideas on TV is better than Jay Leno doing another Paris in jail joke.

Werewolves Got Mad Ball Skills

We know about the minuses, but many fail to recognize the potential benefits of wolves in our community. Remember that in Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox was only capable of winning the city championship basketball game when his werewolf powers were enabled. And we all know that the Boise State Broncos men’s hoops team could have used a little more figurative “chest hair” last season. A healthy breeding population of Canis lupus nearby and a nice full moon quadruples the likeliness of the varsity-level cross-mutant species Canis sapiens. Somebody queue up the Kenny Loggins at the Taco Bell Arena.

Woolf: the New Cashmere

Many advances in pharmacology and chemistry have come from efforts to preserve and explore our earth’s assets in rain forests. Natural resources aren’t just valuable because they look pretty. Byproducts and renewable organisms can often be used for scientific, commercial, personal hygiene, and fashion progress, such as in cures for warts or the potent pheromone perfumes that many of us rely on. Idaho’s wolves could be shorn, or, alternatively, their dander could be collected with rakes to be spun into a designer, patented fabric. This “Woolf” could be made into beautiful sweaters and accessories. Imagine Paris Hilton, emerging from the courtroom or a club, sporting a chic Woolf gown, coat, and handbag made in Idaho. That’s hot!

Other wolf products are also hot. Sprinkle wolf urine around the perimeter of your yard to keep the neighbor’s lab from leaving you her brown treats on the lawn. Idaho wolf howling could be recorded and mixed into an outstanding album for the nature sounds CD industry previously dominated by waterfalls, forest birds and crackling fires.

Howling for Kitsch

The wilderness souvenir industry is vital to Idaho’s (and China’s) economy. As the wolf population thrives, so do sales of black truck stop t-shirts with a silhouetted wolf howling at the forest moon. And every person that comes into an Idaho truck stop or vacation destination gift store to buy a famous Idaho wolf tee is highly likely to also spend big on polished rocks, dreamcatcher key chains, gem state shot glasses, and postcards with pictures of a trout so gigantic it has to be strapped to a quarter horse.

Better Natural Selections at the Butcher

Don’t we realize that wolves are helping us by weeding out the weakest and most inferior cuts of meat? With the wolf selection process, only the healthiest, most agile, most evasive, and most delicious livestock will survive. I noticed that my Easter lamb chop last year was the tastiest I’ve ever had. Last year also hosted the highest North American wolf population in a century. Coincidence? I think not, and Charles Darwin agrees.