A New Century of Functionalities

iPhone still has "a ways to go" to be the Wal-Mart of electronics!

Recent multi-function gadgets like the iPhone and the alarm clock radio are merely okay, if you ask me. American innovation could break some real geek-ground with my suggested and hereby fully copyrighted “functionality maximizations”:

The iBall

You’ve heard of the camera phone and the mp3 phone and now the iPhone. You want one. But, whoa them digital horses before stampeding out to wrangle up a gadget that will be obsolete as soon as the teenage asst. mgr. at Best Buy sweet talks you! For all we know, Apple might soon proudly release the next advancement in Multiplatform Functionality, the iBall. This is what I’d imagine.

In addition to phone, video, web browser, Windows Vista, camera, and mp3 player features, the iBall has a laser with three functionalities: pointer, teeth whitener, and hair and wart remover (on the 470 model, $400). With an upgrade, iBall also comes equipped with a mirror, electric shaver, contact lens storage kit, stopwatch, paperweight and smallmouth bass fishing lure (on the 480 model, $500). The iBall also comes standard-equipped with a round functionality, so that when you engage its fuzzy green absorbent cover (sold separately), Rover can join you in a game of fetch.

The iBall resolves another of the iPod and iPhone’s deficiencies. What if you’re in a pinch one day and you have to use your iPod or iPhone to run a nuclear facility or life support system? You’re out of luck. The following is taken verbatim from the software licensing agreement which we all electronically “sign” by checking a digital box after not reading it (Shame on you, informed consumer!):

THE iPOD SOFTWARE AND iPOD SOFTWARE UPDATES ARE NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE iPOD SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.

Lawyers are funny like that. But take heart, technophiles! The iBall has aircraft navigation, life support and nuclear facility operation functionalities (on the 490 model, $583).

Triple-TV Fridge

The appliance juggernaut LG doesn’t make only cell phones to zap your gonads with carcinogenic rays. They also make microwave ovens for that, and they have a new TV fridge. Actually, it’s been around for more than a year, but it hasn’t really caught on. The refrigerator with a built in 13.1” LCD television is the first ever such model, advertisers announce. And we all knew it was just a matter of time before this necessity appeared. A built-in weather center, more quality family time in the kitchen, and better advertisements than those free Bail Bonds magnets that come glued to the phone book are other appeals of the fridge. It retails for about $3000.

But the problem with the LG “Lunch Time Dinner Time Prime Time” GR-G267ATBA model is, sadly, not enough functionalities. This is the 21^st Century, after all. Though self sufficiency and home ownership have always been components of the American Dream, what has the dream come to if we can’t watch “Dancing with the Stars” while grabbing a yogurt?

You see, the TV is on the refrigerator door, so that anyone opening the fridge door won’t be able to reach things inside and see the picture at the same time. This is a serious failure of engineering and design. It’s not like I’m the kind of person with so much extra cash that I could hire a butler to grab my yogurts when I’m watching the finalist episode.

It’s obvious that LG ought to make another model with a TV screen on the freezer side too, so that when we open the door for the milk, our kids don’t have to take their eyes off of “Dora the Explorer.” LG engineers can work on a patent for that after they’re done inventing my prototype mp3 player/blender. Because Life’s Not Good until I’m making a smoothie and jamming to Maroon 5 with the same appliance.

QSR Convenience Superstore

In the functionality industry, QSR stands for Quick Service Restaurant. But a cheap taco/Shell was just the beginning. Wrap your mind around this: Fill up the tank, buy a quart of oil, order a small bin of chicken in delicious mechanically-separated bite-sized form, buy a yard of fabric and grab a few clearance Steven Segal DVDs all in one stop. And while you wait for your nuggets to deep fry, why not get a haircut? One stop shopping, in one convenient little gas station. Add a pet shop, a row or two of sporting goods, and an area for plywood furniture. Expand the traditional sweatpants and dairy sections, install a pharmacy window, offer shopping carts in case your shopper wants to conveniently buy a little bit of everything, and to compensate for the audacious spacious ambiance not usually associated with old-fashioned little gas station restaurants, have people greet customers at the door. Then buy direct from the manufacturer at prices that you set and pass the savings on to customers. Brace yourselves for the functionality revolution.