Mormon for president raises many, many questions

Can a Mormon be President of the United States of America? This has been a thrilling topic in the media for the last few months as Willard “Catcher’s” Mitt Romney runs for the Republican presidential nomination. American journalists have been asking such intriguing questions as, is your Mormonism close enough to the values and faith of so many mainstream Christians? And, what’s with your underwear?

These are not the questions you need to be asking a Mormon candidate. I know a little about the Mormen, and below are some of the questions we need to come together as journalists and ask. It will take some time for discussion and listening, and afterwards somebody has to be assigned to bring the refreshments (Costco cookies and punch from a powder mix) to nourish and strengthen us in the gym before we all, God willing, travel home in safety.

The first question is not which of his wives will be first lady, but will she try to feed the Queen of England funeral potatoes? These are shaved tubers in mayonnaise and cream of mushroom soup with corn flakes and cheddar on top. Will she follow this with a second course of jell-o with all manner of vegetable shavings and fruit chunks suspended within? Romney says his kids are all grown up, but how do we know that a President and Mrs. Romney won’t be “moved upon by the Spirit” to have seven more?

And yes, we need to ask if we can withstand another scandal, another potential betrayal marring the integrity of the White House and cabinet. Do we want to read in the headlines how the president’s aides were apprehended sneaking a 12 pack of Diet Coke into the oval office? What if his daughter, “if” he ever has one, gets a second ear piercing?

Voters of the nation are going to need a complete report of his home teaching for the past 30 years. Did he neglect his duties? At the end of his visits, did he ever fail to make the obligatory hollow gesture of offering “anything he could do for us before he left”? The ability to ask this question could prove vital to our next president:

“Well, Iraq, that’s all we had to share for this visit. Is there anything we can do for you before we go? Okay then. Bye-bye.”

Will he start important speeches like a Mormon sacrament meeting talk? “When the senate called me last week and asked me to give this talk, I was like, oh no, I knew shouldn’t have answered the phone. Ha ha, just kidding … And so this morning as I was preparing this state of the union talk, I did some studying. Webster defines the economy as…” It would be nice, however, to hear the speech with silent reverence instead of all that applause every time he says something like “those who love freedom.” Or would we have to cheer to hear him testify “with every fiber of his being” that he knows that we’re making progress in the war on terror? Would there be toddlers running up and down shrieking on the senate floor?

Will he institute a draft to send all 19-year-old males to Atlanta or Mongolia with those white shirts and ties? If he does, congress will have to budget for bikes with shocks, especially for the young men called to serve in Afghanistan, where I hear it’s rather mountainous. Will he institute tax credits for everyone who buys a trampoline for their backyard? Or NEA grants for scrapbookers and wooden knick-knack makers? Then what, subsidies for the Suburban or the 12-passenger van?

Will he move our nation’s capital to Jackson County, Missouri? After doing some research, I find that this isn’t such a bad idea. It’s more centrally located, and according to the county website, has a “$1.5 million girl’s softball complex, featuring 7 lighted and irrigated softball fields, 2 concession buildings, 5 shelters and an 8 station batting cage.” The county also borders the Missouri River, which adds its own personality as a substitute for the tidal Potomac because according to Wikipedia, the Missouri “is muddy and smells.”

And the riverbank would be a nice place for Queen Elizabeth to enjoy some of Mitt’s Dutch oven cobbler.